


Not Dead Yet

by warschach



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Grim Reapers, Humor, Implied Levi/Eren Yeager, Levi totally sucks at his job, M/M, One Shot, Resurrection, Spirits, and f-bombs, gratuitous usage of literally and figuratively, this is hardly funny or shippy but hey cranky Eren and Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:23:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2384912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warschach/pseuds/warschach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My day was decent, if you omitted the part where I was accidentally killed then brought back to life by the world's worse grim reaper, they don't even do shit right in the afterlife it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Dead Yet

**Author's Note:**

> i thought this would be a fun, lil thingy to write but it got long and just became Eren dropping f-bombs all around. oops, guess i channeled my bitchy mouth into him. and it been a while since i wrote something that was not porn and humorous.

I was having a bad day. No, bad days consisted of running 20 minutes late due to the street lights inability to work, stepping into a puddle of murky rain water and then having that water splashed on to you cause that asshole driving down the street didn’t really give a flying fuck that _you_ got caught in the crosshairs of wayward liquid. He knew what he was doing, don’t pretend it was an accident, he _knew_. Probably even saw your hooded form trotting over and smirked maliciously and thought _oh, I can fuck up this guy’s day so easily, should I go for it_. Then the moment came when it was do or die, and he settled with _totally gonna post this shit on my tumblr account and get one billion notes, haha, I’m such an asshole._

If _that_ even got a note, I was suing the human race for being such a bag of dicks.

Today was a shit-tastic day of all the shit-tastic years I had on this pathetic excuse for a fucking planet. The only redeemable quality about living in this crap-tastic world was Youtube and cat videos. That’s it. Oh, and fucking Dunkin Donuts. Chocolate Glaze? Oh, please, smother me into it and let me die. Figuratively.

I meant it figuratively.

“Figuratively.” I mumbled at the lifeless form that I once occupied. Shit, I didn’t expect for the big guy upstairs to be radioing in on my internal monologue. I didn’t even listen to half the shit I thought. Apparently, JC did. Fucking asshole, when I wanted to score with Annie on prom night, he didn’t work on that miracle but I asked to be killed _figuratively_ by donut overdose and he came through with that.

See, that’s why I didn’t go to church.

“FFFFuuuccckkkk. Fuck! Fuck! Fucky, fuck, fuck. Fuck!” I screamed, pounding my head with my fists, glaring at the spectators that huddled around my dead body. Yeah, take pictures too please; I want this to make headlines on _FoxNews_.

Who was I kidding; they would fuck that shit up too. Probably say I ran into fucking traffic. You know what, fuck _FoxNews_ too. If I had to spend the rest of my afterlife as a ghost, then I was planning a lot of hauntings. It was going to get _Amityville Horror_ up in this mother.

I should probably explain how I ended up on the cold hard ground, ha, I did a Taylor Swift reference, being dead was going to be hella exciting and wonderful. My day started with the usual “fuck, I overslept and now I’m late” – pretty routine bullshit – showered, took a blissful shit, tried to reenacted the typical anime high school with running down the stairs with a piece of toast in my hand. Then, failing so poorly, that my elderly neighbor Pixis had to call the elevator for me while I tried not to cry over my wounded ego on the steps. My knee stopped aching when I got to ground level and I made decent time and eagerly thought to myself, _man, I got plenty of time._ I spoke too soon when I jammed my key into the ignition and it didn’t start. As any other man would do, I hopped out of my car and banged the hood with heated and spiteful curses because beating inanimate objects solved all the world’s problems. Incrementally, I would see the errors of my ways and phoned for a toll and called my boss to tell him I was running late for legitimate reasons for once.

Fortunate for me, I had a friend on the inside, Reiner, to drop off my car at the mechanics. Tried not to bemoan at the mechanics who didn’t really warrant my disgruntled attitude and sass. Then I felt guilty about it for five minutes before he told me it would take four to five hours to fix whatever the fuck was wrong with my car. I growled more insults, he threatened to call the cops, I quieted down really quick and apologized, disdainfully.

Naturally, to get to my job I had no choice but to commute on the bus. I had enough change in my wallet to at least pay for the fee to the office. The bus was about to disembark and guaranteed me an additional twenty minutes of wait time so I bolted across the street, dodging the blaring horns and squeal of rubber. I thought I did a swell job of avoiding the metal death traps.

I _thought_.

Clearly, I didn’t so that how I am now dead and cold to the world. That meant no more cat videos or chocolate glazed donuts. Man, fuck my life…

“So do I just stand here and wait for the pearly gates?” I questioned the sky, expecting the stairways to heaven to land at my feet. Yeah, no chance.

“Tch, please.”

I would jump out of my skin but I was dead, so… “Who are you?” I whipped around; the question had to be directed at me.

To my right was another form, clad in a black rob with red trimming around the hood and cuffs. Holy fuck, I was going to hell?

“Death.” The rich baritone voice bellowed and the airwaves vibrated with the intensity of it.

My heart hammered against my chest – how it was still beating I had no clue- and my sneakers scuffed across the pavement.  “Oh god, oh god…”

“God isn’t here for you, boy.” The black form muttered, voice rocking the very fabric of air. “Don’t run.”

 _Sure_ , I’d just stay here so you can take me to hell. Don’t worry, I could wait.

Backing away nervously, I worked my bottom lip, my eyes darting for an open path among the crowd and away from the towering black hooded demon. But then a thought occurred to me, I’m dead right, so…fuck it.

Pin wheeling around, I sprinted straight through the mass of bodies. Literally. Not figuratively for once. I went through them, felt an odd tingle in my gut as my form sunk into them, and then paused. Looking back, I let the information seeped in- I can fucking walk through people….Fucking A.

 

 That black hooded demon was hot on my trail though, slipping into the oblivious crowd as I had. The hood shrouded his face in darkness but from the way he shook his fists, I could tell he was livid.

“Kid, don’t make this necessary.” The form told me.

“Oh, so I should just fucking _let_ you take me? Nah. Think I’ll pass. I ain’t done here.”

“Fucking shit, just die like everyone else. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.” The demon growled, and, fucking Christ, it sounded scarier than that one scene in Paranormal Activity.

Side note, paid? Demons got paid? By the devil?

That was a mental musing for another time; I hightailed it and successfully lost the hooded demon by cutting through the train station. The mass people disembarking and re-embarking made it impossible to spot me hunched over as I gasped for breath.

Huh, the dead breathed too? I needed someone to explain the rules of this bullshit, right now.

At the edge of my foot, a black murky pool boiled, bubbles of black goo rising to the air and popping with a wet smack. It grew wider and larger and soon a form rose from the center of it, it’s entire being completely obscured by the same black goo. I was too galvanized to mutter a scream that caught itself conveniently in my throat. It undulated from the form and dissipated into the air, unveiling the black hooded demon.

“Aw, fuck.”

The demon closed the small distance between us and pressed my back into the giant billboard ad. I flattened my back against it, a sad attempt to get away from the demon. “I am not in a giving mood this day. So if you run one more time, I’ll stake you with my scythe asshole, got it?”

Numbly, I nodded in agreement. “Please, Mr. Boogeyman, I barely graduated college. I haven’t even been in a orgy…or like tried getting baked in Europe. I’m fucking 24. Give me a break.”

“Take your death like a man, Nickolas.”

Who? “I’m not- who’s Nickolas?”

The hand that had been reaching for my neck halted, black talons inches from choking me. “You’re not Nickolas Jaeger?”

“Eren. Eren Jaeger.” I corrected. I didn’t know who Nick was but that guy was fucked, and hopefully this was my get out of jail card.

“Shit.” The demon hand reared back and flipped his hood back, the looming form of 6 feet shrinking to a measly 5’3. He held his index finger, that was no longer topped with black claws, in the air to the unasked question on my lips. “Give me a minute.” The voice that spoke to me was a shell of the former much gravely and demonic sounded baritone. Now it was pleasant and alluring to my ears. If I wasn’t so close to shitting myself, I might have gotten a boner.

The demon? Grim reaper? Um…so he digged into one of his pockets, the black robe rustling around till he produced a cell phone. He looked back to me, index finger still posed, and mouthed silently to wait. Pressing the cell to his ear, he waited for the line to pick up.

“Hey, Petra? What was the name of the soul I had to pick up?” A pause, he dropped his finger and fished for a pocket-sized notebook in his other pocket, thumbing through it as he waited. “It was Jaeger, right?”

Meanwhile, I was picking up my heart from the fucking scare I just had – figuratively- and I sagged against the ad behind me. It didn’t bend or buckle under my weight.

“Yeah. I’m here for a Jaeger. Was it Eren?”

I could barely make out the other voice on the line but I noticed the slender eyebrows notched forward in frustration. Then I noted the slanted eyes that were the color of mercury regarding me momentarily before they dipped away.

“Fuck…really? Alright- no it’s fine. I’ll take care of it. Tell eyebrows to get his information right. I don’t have fucking time to resurrect people too.” Pulling the phone away, he ended the call and stuffed his items back into his pockets.

“Well this is awkward,” he said lamely.

Huh? Am I dead? Or not dead? “I’m a bit confuse here.”

“Listen, let bygones be bygones, and I’ll put your soul back into your body.” He offered and turned half-way till he realized I wasn’t following. “Are you coming?”

“Wait, so you fucked up and killed the wrong guy? Who the fuck are you? What the fuck?”

“First, I’m a fucking grim reaper. So respect the title or I’ll send you to limbo. And it doesn’t happen often but sometimes we get shit mixed up.”

I balled my fist and growled. “Mix up?! I’m fucking dead, asshole.”

“And you’ll stay dead unless you shut the fuck up, dumbass.”

I threw my hands up in a futile gesture of annoyance. “Fine! Take me to my body, Mr. Shitty Grim Reaper.”

[x]

“Well, here you go, into your stupid body.” Mr. Grim Reaper grumbled as we teleported to the site of my death. In the far distance, the siren of the approaching ambulanced percolated in the narrow streets. The crowd grew larger but they were tape off by police.

“Thanks for being shitty at your job.” I retorted and dropped to the floor, realigning my soul with my body.  “If it wasn’t for that pretty face of yours, you’d be the worst reaper I’ve ever seen.”

Those immaculate pristine eyebrows of his knotted together as his eyes narrowed, he tapped his foot impatiently though I could hardly see it underneath the wool of fabric. The cloak swallowed his form now that he was no longer in that threatening form of reaping. “Get back into your body before I change my mind and leave you here.”

“Whatever.”

“Asshole.”

“Incompetent grim reaper.”

“I can’t wait when I get the call to bring in your soul. I’ll keep an eye out for your name, Eren Jaeger.” He smirked menacingly as I shuddered at the threat. I had no doubt he would be back for me but when, I’d never know till the moment I died. Again. At least, this mix up bought me a week off from work.

“You done? I would like to be living again.”

“I’m so keeping you on my list.”

[x]

Four months after Eren’s near death experience

My brief encountered with Death – literally, not figuratively- had embedded a net of safety pre-cautions in my life.  Like no more running down the stairway with a piece of toast in my head; definitely crossing the road after I checked both sides for incoming cars. And a general avoidance to anything that would most probably kill me like hand gliding, roller coasters, etc, etc. I didn’t need a second encounter with the nameless grim reaper, once was enough, despite how attractive and cute he looked in that oversized cloak. So my over the top screams of shock and surprise were totally merit when I saw Mr. Grim Reaper loitering in my apartment, right on my favorite stool with my Nintendo DS in his long ivory fingers.

I slammed my back into the door, effectively trapping myself with Death. “But I’m not dead! Why? Why are you in my house?”

The reaper glanced up from his game and acknowledged my rushed and flustered statement. He went back to tapping on the controls. “I’m kind of on temporary leave. There ain’t much out there for a grim reaper so I thought I come haunt you a bit for fun.”

“Why?!”

The reaper shrugged, not bothering to glance in my direction. “Cause you’re the first human that actually didn’t shit himself. Gotta admit, I was a bit impressed.”

“Go away.” I seethed and reached for the nearest object that I could use as a weapon, a feather duster.

The reaper chuckled dryly. “Yeah, I’m not leaving till I get the call to collect. So I guess I’m your roommate for now.”

“No.” I declared and set my weapon in the air, ready for a strike.

Death eyed my impromptu sword with amusement then slide off my stool, strolling toward me with an air of repose and superiority. “See, being death means I can do whatever the fuck I want. And I would want some pizza from Papa John’s.”

I squeaked, Death expected me to just allow him into my apartment and _feed_ him. Pardon my French, but what the fuck. “And if I say no?”

In a few short strides, Death was upon me, a mist of blackness coiling his form. “Well,” he whispered, “I can always kill you.”

I swallowed and dropped my weapon. “So how about I order that pizza for us?”

Death grinned triumphantly.  “That sounds great, Eren.”

I shimmied around hum, unwilling to touch any part of him, an action he found positively enjoyable as he followed my steps, unwilling to part from me. “I’m really gonna enjoy my stay here.” He murmured.

Gulping, I avoided the rapt grey eyes observing my face. “So do I at least get your name? It’s a mouth full to call you Mr. Grim Reaper.”

“Levi.” He answered simply and ducked away into my living room and plopped his dead self all over my brand new sofa.  I tried not to think about the hand gripping my remote, wondering if his touch would kill me or anything living in my house (my pet rat, Armin).

I wanted to ask but it was better not to keep Levi waiting, considering he was fucking death. Dialing the number for Papa John’s, I watched the back of Levi’s head as he surfed through channels. “So, exactly how long are you on leave?”

“Indefinitely.”

“Ah, f _uck_...”

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, I did that, now I will actually write for those fics that some ppl wanna read. hopefully you got a laugh or crack a grin at my grade-A comedy (not really, but ssshh).
> 
> Edit: Ppl seemed to like this more than I thought they would, like seriously you guys encourage my silliness and one day i won't stop myself and just unleash....so there may be a 2nd chap, which i will make much longer and bring some extra reapers to ruin Eren's day plus douchey! Levi. (it's not gonna become it own fic tho)


End file.
